A Field Guide to Identifying Birds That May or May Not Exist

Identifying birds is a skill built over years. You learn the shapes, the colors, the flight patterns and the calls. Eventually, you can name a bird from a glimpse.

Identifying birds that may or may not exist is harder. You must learn all of the same things, and then learn to doubt them.

This guide, prepared by our Director of Unconfirmed Ornithology, walks you through the process using the Spotted Pinyon Jay (Gymnorhinus hypotheticus, fictional) as an example.

Five Steps to an Uncertain Identification

Step One: Size and Shape

Begin by estimating the size of the bird.

The Spotted Pinyon Jay is described in anecdotal accounts as "jay-sized," "about that big," and "smaller than I expected, or maybe larger." For field purposes, picture a medium bird, then remove your certainty.

Shape is equally important. Observers report a compact body, a short tail and a posture that suggests it is about to leave. It is always about to leave.

Step Two: Plumage

The Spotted Pinyon Jay is blue-gray, with unusually subtle white spots.

How subtle? Our staff describe the spots as "visible only in theory." They are best seen in good light, at close range, by someone who already believes in them.

Field tip: If the spots are obvious, it is probably something else. If the spots are not there at all, it may be exactly what you are looking for.

Step Three: Call

The Spotted Pinyon Jay's call has never been recorded.

Our Chief of Avian Uncertainty has spent many hours in the field listening for it. She describes the call as "something between silence and a gate." When pressed, she admits that both of these are also things a gate does.

For best results, listen carefully, record everything and assume nothing. Then assume something anyway, because otherwise this would be a very short field guide.

Step Four: Behavior

Behavior is often the most reliable field mark. For the Spotted Pinyon Jay, look for:

• A tendency to vanish just before the camera focuses.

• Heightened sensitivity to environmental consultants.

• Increased activity near public meetings and comment deadlines.

• A strong preference for being described rather than seen.

If you notice two or more of these behaviors, congratulations. You have almost certainly not seen a Spotted Pinyon Jay, which is the closest anyone has come.

Step Five: Confidence

The final step is to rate your confidence.

Our recommended scale runs from "absolutely certain" to "I read about it online." Most reports fall somewhere in the middle, at "it was getting dark."

Be honest. A good field naturalist knows the difference between what they saw and what they hoped to see. A great one writes both down and labels them clearly.

Practice on Real Birds

The best way to sharpen these skills is to practice on birds that cooperate. Start with the real Pinyon Jay: a dull-blue, crestless jay that travels in noisy flocks through pinyon-juniper country and caches pine seeds for later. Unlike our bird, it is easy to hear before you see it.

The Spotted Pinyon Jay is fictional. This post is satire. The real Pinyon Jay is not.