Public Comment Season: Why the Spotted Pinyon Jay Only Appears at Government Meetings

Most birds have a breeding season and a migration season. The Spotted Pinyon Jay has something different. It has a public comment season.

For most of the year, the bird is absent from woodlands, mesas and backyards. But the moment a comment period opens, sightings spike. By the night of the hearing, the Spotted Pinyon Jay is everywhere: in prepared remarks, in handouts and, occasionally, on a homemade poster board.

Our team has studied this phenomenon for several cycles. We call it the "Podium Migration."

The Seasonal Pattern

Our Coordinator of Public Comment, who has read every public comment ever submitted and agrees with all of them, has charted the bird's appearances across a typical year.

• January through March: No mentions. The bird is presumed to be wintering somewhere quiet, possibly in a filing cabinet.

• Notice of meeting published: First reports appear online.

• Two weeks before the hearing: Sightings increase sharply. Several residents report "something bluish."

• Night of the hearing: Peak activity. The bird is described in remarkable detail by people who have never seen it.

• Day after the comment deadline: The bird vanishes completely.

"It's one of the most reliable patterns in nature," the Coordinator said. "More reliable than the bird itself."

Field observations suggest the Spotted Pinyon Jay strongly prefers the following meeting habitat:

• Fluorescent lighting.

• Folding chairs arranged in rows.

• A three-minute speaking limit, strictly enforced, loosely obeyed.

• Agenda items listed as "Other Business."

Our Senior Habitat Speculation Officer notes that the bird has never been reported at a meeting with good snacks. "That may be our most important finding," she said. "Or it may just be the meetings we attend."

Voices From the Podium

At a recent hearing, a resident who asked not to be identified spoke for exactly three minutes about the bird. "I have never seen it," they said, "and I want that on the record."

A second resident followed. "I have also never seen it," they said. "But I have seen him not see it," pointing toward the first speaker.

Our Chief of Avian Uncertainty, seated in the third row, reports that she has never been more confident in her uncertainty.

Why the Meeting?

Why does the Spotted Pinyon Jay appear only at meetings? Our team has three theories:

1. The bird is drawn to concern. Wherever people gather to worry about the land, the bird appears to keep them company.

2. The bird is an advocate. It cannot speak for itself, so it lets others speak for it, at length.

3. The meeting is the habitat. It has been the habitat all along.

Our Director of Unconfirmed Ornithology favors theory three, and has proposed that every meeting room in the Four Corners be designated "Spotted Pinyon Jay Habitat (Theoretical)."

Make Your Comments Count

Public comment is one of the most valuable tools a community has. It works best when it is grounded in real places, real facts and real wildlife.

If you want to speak up for a bird that actually needs a voice, learn about the real Pinyon Jay, a social, seed-caching jay whose numbers have declined across the West. It will never show up at the podium. It is too busy out in the pinyons, where it belongs.

The Spotted Pinyon Jay is fictional. This post is satire. The real Pinyon Jay is not.